Struggle Is Not Failure
Mountain struggle
Imagine you're my friend (I'll call her Hannah) who I met in 1999 while conducting research for my dissertation. You have a college degree and had an early career in law enforcement that fell apart after you filed a sexual harassment case against your employer. You were hurt and devastated but did not give up. You moved across the country where you built a new life through a series of jobs -- some interesting and successful, some not so. Persistence became your middle name. However, none gave you the satisfaction like the career you were driven from. And, like so many jobs in D. C. , they sometimes disappear as fast as they appear, which after fifteen years or so, made you a serial job holder. It felt like you were always looking for work. You were tired, so very tired.
But, you persisted, looking beyond the bustling city horizon to find what you thought was a perfect match for your skills and experience. So, catching the housing boom, you sold your city house for a goodly sum, moved to a small rural town 50 miles away, and bought a better place for a song. Although now in your 60's you not only had a promising new job in a field you wanted to be in, but also some savings on which to build toward retirement, a cozy home with a good roof, a great dog who loves you unconditionally, and a very satisfying sewing and quilting hobby. Finally, the struggle was over, or so you thought.
However, within the six months, you found yourself living in a house you couldn't sell because there's no market in this small town you moved to for a job you got fired from because you wouldn't do something you deemed illegal. Since then you've lived off the those retirement savings because you can't find another job in your area. The jobs are scarce and you've been told you're "too old" or "over qualified" or "not qualified enough" for the few you did get interviews for. Your parents are gone (they never had any money anyway). Your kids can't help you because they live in 2000 miles away, have debilitating health problems, or jobs that they can barely scrape by on. Sounds pretty awful, right?
That's where Hannah found herself. Although frustrated, isolated, and often depressed (who wouldn't be), she struggled on. If nothing else, Hannah had become a skilled internet researcher, so she went searching for a solution and found one. She went back to school for a masters degree on a state program that paid tuition at state universities for career redevelopment for adult citizens over 50. She had two years of hard work ahead of her, with no pay. It was a big risk, but if she graduated and passed the state licensing exam she would have the credentials for a new line of work, one that she would definitely be qualified for and her age wouldn't matter.
So back to school Hannah went, surrounding herself with fellow students younger than her kids. Instead of being depressed, she was invigorated because she learned what she didn't know, but more importantly, what she did know. She found ways to make ends meet by renting out her upstairs rooms to other students, did her own work on the upkeep of her home, and worked part time at the school. It was tough, but she made it right up until the last semester.
How do I know all this? Connections work in mysterious ways. One cold February morning, thoughts of Hannah burst out of my brain. I had to get in touch with her, but I didn't know why. I was soon to find out. A call led to a visit. There, face-to-face she let her story seep out. She was facing a disaster in this last semester if she couldn't get some stuff straightened out. She had exhausted herself with worry and frustration over health stuff and financial stuff, school stuff and the baggage that had burdened her psyche for so many years. Over dinner, we plotted and planned. By the time I left I knew how I was going to help her through the last bit and she knew what she needed to do to get to graduation.
Yesterday morning, seven months later, I got the call I'd been waiting for. Hannah had just accepted a position in her new career. They love her background and her achievements. It is a good match. They need her. A permanent match with a stable and caring organization. It brought me to tears. I am so proud of Hanna for not giving up. Thankful for her persistence, for not becoming another lost old lady, but an energized woman who reinvented herself.
I never had to struggle as Hannah did. When I reinvented, I had a cocoon of support. I was not alone. I paid my good luck forward to Hannah, when it was needed and how it was needed.
If you know someone who struggles, but hasn't given up on herself, be there for her. In any way you can.